Pete Buttigieg has just become the youngest person ever to turn 79 years old
“It’s time for a new generation of 79-year-olds to take charge in Washington,” said Buttigieg, who upon turning 79, announced that he was the youngest person to ever do so.
“By the time I turn 100, people who were 79 when I was 59 will be 121. Now just think about that. Think hard and slow about it. Think. Very slowly.”
“Isn’t it time America had a wunderkind as president?” asked the frail Buttigieg, who now uses a cane.
“I am the age that Bernie Sanders was when he was . . . When the current president is the age I am now, I will have been . . . “ Buttigieg trailed off. He punctuated the speech with an enthusiastic, “79 and feeling fine!” in what was intended to be an announcement for his bid for Democratic candidate for president, his press aide later clarified.
The Rhodes Scholar has slowed down in recent years. While he claims to have learned yet another language, linguistics experts say what Buttigieg claims as Xhosa is a series of random tongue clicks interspersed with the sound of his dentures slipping.
Ghost of Donald Trump front runner in GOP Primary, edging out his children
“My children are has-beens. They all come from terrible mothers. If I made one mistake in my life, and it was probably only that one if we’re being honest, I did not pick winners for the mothers of my children, at least not the ones carried to term,” said the ghost of Donald Trump, who is currently outpacing children Ivanka, Don Jr., Tiffany, and Barron in the the GOP presidential primary. Only Eric Trump has sat out of the race. “Technically it was three mistakes, but we count it as one mistake right? People are saying they’re the children of whores. That’s what they’re saying.”
The ghost of Donald Trump is currently dating Stormy Daniels’ granddaughter, but there are no plans for a fourth engagement. “I think I’m in purgatory, so I can’t make that kind of commitment right now. Plus the IRS audit . . . complicated business. We’ll see what happens,” said the ghost of Donald Trump. “But one thing’s for sure, come heaven or hell — and Rudy says he’s pretty confident we’re going to be able to work out something moving forward with heaven — we’re going to make America so great again in 2060, you’ll be sick of seeing this transparent image of me floating like an orb all over the news every day. That I can promise you. Because that’s how much we’ll be winning.”
Trump would be the first twice-impeached president to assume the presidency and only the second ghost, after Joe Biden’s win in 2020.
Donald Trump, Jr., doesn’t think his father is up for the job. “Dad made one mistake: He died. And that showed great weakness. As president, I will never show weakness to death or the libtards.”
Donald Trump Jr.’s campaign is being run by Kellyanne Conway, who shockingly, is not a ghost. “The liberal media would like you think I’m dead. It’s pure sexism. Women in their 90s undergoing extensive cosmetic surgery occasionally die for several minutes at a time during the operation and are then brought back to life all the time. Being dead for 5, 10, or 45 minutes is nothing. Forty years ago, they told me I couldn’t be a working mother because I was psychologically damaging my children on a regular basis. Now they’re saying that just because I’m scary to look at, that I should just go away. I won’t be silent. Not as a voice in my children’s heads for all eternity. Not during my marital counseling exorcisms. And not now, during the most important campaign of my lifetime — and yes, I am still alive.”
The ghost of Donald Trump is said to be seething with rage over former counselor Kellyanne Conway’s betrayal. “Kellyanne is a train wreck. She has blood coming out of her eyes,” the ghost said. Unlike similar false and defamatory comments Donald Trump made about Megan Kelly forty-four years ago, Kellyanne Conway does in fact regularly have blood seeping out of her eye sockets, and the general consensus among many, including her close friends, family, her church, and the Pope, is that she is a train wreck, with Twitter having verified Trump’s recent claim about Conway as 100% True. Trump regained his Twitter privileges upon his death, which resulted years ago from a prank gone wrong with friends Lil Wayne and Kim Jong Un.
Ivanka Trump, 80, is being assisted in her campaign by her husband Jared, who recently turned 21 and is said to still be excited about brokering a peace deal in the Middle East. Ivanka is running on a campaign of paid grand-maternity leave, an issue which has yet to catch on as the US still lacks paid maternity leave.
Meanwhile, Tiffany Trump is running on a campaign of asking Americans not to forget about her with the slogan, “America: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia,” resonating with many middle children. “My father stood up for the forgotten man and woman. Today I stand for the forgotten sibling.” Waiting for applause, she added, “It’s me. I’m the forgotten sibling.”
Barron Trump in announcing his candidacy said, “As a survivor of the plague of the early 20s, I know how lucky I am. I was lucky to have wealth, privilege, and access to healthcare. And I am running to expand healthcare to all Americans and tuition-free education, as well.”
After hearing the announcement the ghost of Donald Trump tweeted out, “Total loser.”
Despite their differences, on one issue Buttigieg and all of the Trump candidates agree: that they like all Americans have an enduring love for our country and an enduring faith in Q.
